Fight Fire with Love

As we apply the antidotes for Loose Tongue Syndrome, what do we do when we’re genuinely struggling in a circumstance or a relationship? What do we do when we’re not sure what to do or what to say, yet we genuinely desire to handle things God’s way? Is it okay to seek counsel from a godly friend? Is there any room to talk about it with others who can help us work it out? When is it okay? When does it cross the line?

As we saw Thursday, the second half of Proverbs 11:2 tells us: “But with the humble is wisdom.” When we are modest, reserved, and unassuming – submitted to God, His will, and His ways – we will have the discretion we need to cautiously handle the practical matters of life and relationships.

“That’s all fine and good, Shauna,” you might say. “But what do we DO?!?!?!” Pain is a motivator, and in the weeks following the incident with my family, I talked with God… a lot. I prayed…a lot. I asked God for answers. For specific scriptures. Jotting His answers down, I ended up with “Ten Steps to a Tame Tongue.” It’s sort of like a self-improvement program for the tongue. It’s truth He is instilling in my heart so it will affect my lips. I pray it is a help to you as well.

Here are the first five.

1.       Go to God first.

So many times, when we’re hurt, angry, or perplexed, or even just opinionated about something we’ve heard or learned about another person, the first thing we grab is the phone. If you’re like me, you call the person who will tell you what you want to hear at the moment. We might call any number of people before the thought occurs to talk to God about it, yet He’s the FIRST person we should contact! If we feel the need to gossip, let’s take it to the Lord first, and ask Him about it, following His wisdom in Proverbs 11:13: “A talebearer reveals secrets, but he who is of a faithful spirit conceals a matter.” My first response needs to be to conceal not reveal. When I need to talk, I need to talk to God. If I need to vent, I need to vent to Him first.

2.       Grab the word, instead of the phone.

Find out what scripture says about what troubles you. Psalm 119:105 says, “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.” He will light the way as we hold up His word to the things with which we struggle. Use your Bible’s concordance or an online resources like www.blueletterbible.com or www.biblegateway.com to search for verses that can give you the direction you seek. Ask others which scriptures help them in similar relationships and circumstances (see No. 8 and 9 first; coming Thursday).

3.       Get to the heart of the matter.

Ask yourself: Why am I so upset? Why am I feeling compelled to talk? Taking my eyes off everyone else involved, what is it in me that is reacting so strongly to what’s happened, is happening, or has been reported to me? Is pride rearing its ugly head? Am I afraid? Fear is a terrible distorter. So is pride. Am I hurt? Am I offended? If yes, why? Do I have a right to be hurt or offended? Do I need to reexamine for pride? Am I judging someone? I find writing things out really helps me process and see inside. I like to write in my journal as if it’s a letter to God. Talking directly to Him. Physically seeing my words expose my heart. Pray before you do, and ask the Lord to search your heart, to test it, and to reveal any wicked ways that He may also lead you in the way everlasting. Proverbs 20:27 tells us, “The spirit of a man is the lamp of the LORD, searching all the inner depths of his heart.” He sees, and He will answer the sincere cry of your heart for His truth. His help. His deliverance.

4.       Consider the hidden.

John 7:24 tells us,  “Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment.” Is there something more than meets the eye? If we look beneath behavior with a heart of compassion, we might find a compelling reason for offense. I hate it when I criticize someone else, what they’ve said or done, only to find out they’ve been through something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, and their behavior is simply an expression of deep, tragic hurt.  Not to excuse wrong behavior. But that we can have compassion for others. That we might be slow to anger and abounding in love, just like our heavenly Father is with us. Full of grace.

5.       Get the whole story.

Proverbs 18:17 cautions, “The first one to plead his cause seems right, until his neighbor comes and examines him.” When someone shares information about another person or situation, remember, there’s always more than one side. As a mom, we face this reality every day, and most days, many times over! If we react without due diligence, we are likely to be the ones shouldering regret. Go to the source (see No. 7 Thursday). Get the whole story. Be sure that if you do take action, it is based on the facts and not on one skewed version, no matter how convincing it might be.

In the interest of keeping things short, I’ll share the remaining five steps Thursday. In the meantime, I pray the Lord will take the time in between to let His word sink deep in our hearts. To the place where it changes how we think and what we do.

Lord, as You promised Your people in Ezekiel 36:26-27, give us new hearts and put Your spirit within us. Take our hearts of stone and give us hearts of flesh. May Your Spirit move in us to walk in Your ways and obey You as we become more wholly Yours today.

Shauna Wallace

Holy His

Fire in the Hole!

Days into our Proverbs study on speech, a real-life lesson presents itself. A last straw that opens wide my eyes to Loose Tongue Syndrome run rampant in my home.

“You can’t say anything,” the conversation starts, “but…” And the person launches into an emotional discourse that someone outside our family told someone in our family something bad someone close to our family said about some members of our family. Someone in my family carried the news home like a secret weapon to exact justice on the someone who talked about us behind our back. What starts as dust devil reaches tornadic proportions as news of the unflattering comments spreads through my home. Feathers ruffle. Tempers flare. Pride puffs its haughty chest. The heated moment produces fiery vows of blacklisting a friend, and God’s word proves true: “A whisperer separates the best of friends” (Proverbs 16:28).

Sifting through the aftermath, I become increasingly troubled. It’s hard to confront what my family reflects of my own sin. As I talk with the Lord about how to handle what’s happened, the Holy Spirit brings specific scriptures to remembrance. The effect of sin elevates the importance of God’s word. Why He says what He says. Why He gives us guidelines for living and loving. And He brings to remembrance specific instances when I did not heed His word with my words. Ouch. Grief over my own actions mixes with sorrow over the circumstances I’m sorting.

What is at the heart of gossip? Judging another has to be high on the list of possibilities. Not to beat a dead horse, but if we’re honest with ourselves and with each other, gossip usually starts when someone reaches an opinion that someone or something is right or wrong. A judgment is made. Perhaps offense is taken. Pride is the culprit. Elevating oneself over another in one’s own estimation. Thinking another has no right to act a certain way. In order to judge, pride must be present. “When pride comes, then comes shame” (Proverbs 11:2). And then we share our opinions. The problem is, anything that leaves our lips is likely to return and bite us on the back end. Shame us. Like water that has spilled to the ground, we can’t recapture our words. Once pride’s opinion is shared with someone else, it can’t be taken back, just like God says: “The beginning of strife is like releasing water; therefore stop contention before a quarrel starts” (Proverbs 17:14).  

I am the guiltiest of all. I am deeply convicted. I know of several friends reading this who could lodge complaints against me for this very offense. If you are one of those women, I ask you now, please forgive me. Oh how I desperately need God’s grace to train me in righteousness!

So what is the answer? God takes me to Matthew 18:15-17:

Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that “by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.” And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.

Regardless of who did what, here’s the bottom line: A person, apparently unhappy with the behavior of someone in our family, took their complaint to someone else instead of straight to me or the person whose actions were rubbing them the wrong way. In an arson case, this would be called the origin of the fire. Unfortunately, the confidante wasn’t so confidential. In this instance, the damage was contained within my family. The fire was extinguished. Relationships preserved. This is not always the case.

I wish the person had come directly to me. In the instances for which I now must confess face-to-face and seek forgiveness, I wish I had done the same. Obeyed God’s word. Done things His way. There is now damage to repair.

This is a big deal. An important life lesson.

Proverbs 16:18 issues a warning for today’s Loose Tongue Syndrome symptom: “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.”

The rest of Proverbs 11:2 offers the antidote: “But with the humble is wisdom.” When we are modest, reserved, and unassuming –  submitted to God, His will, and His ways – we will have the discretion we need to cautiously handle the practical matters of life and relationships. The discernment to follow the counsel of Proverbs 13:3: “He who guards his mouth preserves his life, but he who opens wide his lips shall have destruction.”

So what do we do when we’re genuinely struggling in a circumstance or a relationship, when we’re not sure what to do or what to say, yet we genuinely desire to handle things God’s way? Can we not seek counsel from a godly friend? Can we not talk about it with others who can help us work it out? When is it okay? When does it cross the line?

Read more Monday!

Lord, in the precious name of Jesus, please forgive us for the ways we despise You with our mouths, hanging onto pride and allowing destruction to come through our loose tongues. Help us to guard our mouths as we become more wholly Yours today.

Shauna Wallace

Holy His