“Where’s my truck!?!?”
The reality of the empty parking space answered his question:
the truck was stolen. With the police on the phone and our youngest nearing
hysterics, we packed ourselves like sardines in our friend’s sedan and headed home.
With the police report filed, the house alarm on, fears allayed, and everyone
tucked, we headed to bed. At 3 a.m., the police called with good and bad news: They
found the truck, but there wasn’t much left of it. That was February.
Fast forward to September. It’s a girl’s night out of the
purest kind. Delectable delights only a female would appreciate adorn my dining
room table. Racks of fashion skirt the living room and excited chatter fills
the air. It’s an evening of shopping at home with my favorite friends! Finally
settling down with my plate of food, I look into the kitchen to see my son’s
finger summon me. By his urgent expression, I know it’s important. As I enter
the kitchen, he moves to the garage door, still beckoning me with the same
gesture and somber look. Stepping into the garage, there’s James, sitting in
his golf cart, head bent, labored breathing, eyes rolled back. Instantly, my
heart sinks to my toes, my head starts to spin, and I think the worst:
“He’s had a stroke!”
Not really wanting to hear the answer, I ask, “What
happened?!?!?” “I hurt my leg,” James responds. “Oh praise Jesus! What did you
do???” And so the story unfolds. In the face of too much estrogen, he decided
to golf. Alone. When alas, he spotted a golf ball. Not just any golf ball...a really,
really nice golf ball. Without a second thought, he leapt like a super hero to the top of the
wrought iron fence separating him and the ball. That’s when things went wrong.
His foot got stuck, and as his body continued over the fence, his knee
contorted in ways it never should. Laying on the other side of the fence with
the very nice golf ball (which, by the way, he no longer cared much about), he was
faced with getting back over the fence to his golf cart, which held his phone,
and back home for help. The rest of the evening was spent in the emergency
room. One knee surgery and three months of physical therapy later, he has his
swing back. Life is good. And I’ll give him $5 any time he wants a new, worthy-of-jumping-a-fence
ball.
Two months later, the second line turns pink again. The
doctor confirms, but this time I wait to shout it from the mountaintop. At
seven weeks, we witness life on the screen and the pounding of the baby’s
heartbeat is like music to our ears. “Could we hear that just one more time?”
we ask. It’s for real this time. Time to tell the world! And so I do. The
following week, things don’t seem right. The doctor wants to see me. Watching
the ultrasound screen, my ears hear, and my heart sinks:
“I can’t find a heartbeat.”
I don’t get it Lord! Why a second
time? Why do you give life that never sees delivery? What have I done wrong? Is
there sin in my life that is opening the door to the devil’s destruction?
What do we do when a split second
changes everything? What do we do when we don’t understand the tragedy that
strikes? What do we do when our circumstances challenge what we think about God
and what His word tells us about Him? Jobsites were vandalized as thieves
stripped copper wires from several of our company's homes under construction. The Lord moved us
from our church home of eight years. And I questioned. Is my understanding of
the scriptures biblically correct? Have I believed without confirming in the
word for myself? If I stood on the word but tragedy still came, what did I do
wrong? Why didn’t it work? Have I reduced my relationship to a formula by which
I try to get what I want from God? And then when it doesn’t work, where does
that leave me? If I don’t know that my beliefs are correct, then how do I pray?
What is my relationship to You, Lord, if I don’t know what I believe?
In the process of crying out to
the Lord for answers, He faithfully showed Himself available. Trustworthy.
Holy. Sovereign. Full of mercy. Full of grace. True. When everything around us
is unpredictable, unreliable, vulnerable, and changing, He is not. His word is
irrevocable. He is unchanging. He can be trusted. He answered my cry, and He
secured in my spirit two more irrevocable truths.
IRREVOCABLE TRUTH #3: We will
lose heart unless we believe we will see the goodness of the Lord in the land
of the living. Between discovering and losing my second pregnancy, I had one of
those sweet encounters with God. My husband and I went out of town for a quick getaway, and while he fished with friends one day, I savored the time to myself. Rising
relatively early, I treated myself to my favorite $5 coffee, returned to my
room, laid my Bible in my lap, and started talking to God. Suppressed struggles
spilled forth as I emptied myself before the Lord. As I fervently explained how
desperately I didn’t want to go through the disappointment of losing another
baby, He answered with Psalm 27. The closing verses became my prayer:
I will
lose heart, Lord, unless I believe I will see Your goodness in the land of the
living. I wait on You, Lord; I will be of good courage, and You will strengthen
my heart; I will wait on You, Lord!
Things didn’t turn out the way I
wanted, yet in the midst of grieving, questioning, railing, and letting go, I
saw God’s goodness in the land of the living. I waited on Him, and He
strengthened my heart. He confirmed His truth in my innermost being, deep down where no
circumstance can argue against it.
IRREVOCABLE TRUTH #4: Do not lean
on your own understanding. When I learned I was pregnant the second time, I was
convinced it was God’s way of restoring what was lost with my blighted ovum
earlier that year. I connected all the dots for Him and topped the whole
explanation with a big red bow. When we lost the baby, my understanding
unraveled. After letting family and friends know of our loss, my sweet sister-in-law
searched the Bible for words of wisdom I would find consoling. The tenderness
of her extended hand of comfort was magnified by the fact that she searched
what she knew would mean most to me, and she sent me Proverbs 3:5-6:
Trust
in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all
your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.
Sometimes difficult
relationships, unexpected developments, uncomfortable experiences, serious
disappointments, and scary circumstances reveal our own misplaced trust and
wrong understanding. His ways are not our ways, and His thoughts are not our
thoughts, so as we desperately cling to Him through life’s twists and turns, our
job is to believe His word. To trust. To love. To acknowledge, thank, and
praise. No matter what. He WILL direct our paths. Every time, when we wait on
Him. If there seems to be an infinite supply of other shoes dropping in your
life, hang on to God’s goodness, to the truth of His word, and to His
faithfulness. And stay tuned Thursday for the third and final blog in this
series: “Maybe the Shoe Is a Hand!”
Happy New Year! May we aspire together to become more wholly
His in 2012.
Shauna Wallace
Holy His
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