Am I not supposed to judge my children?
How do I correct behavior and train them if I can’t judge them? Monday we
talked about a critical tongue. Plucking out our planks before we judge, which
in reality stops us in our tracks. Yet I have been genuinely stumped when it
comes to addressing obvious needs in my children without judging them. Then I
attended a workshop on prayer. I wasn’t going to attend. My family was visiting
churches, and I received an email about a women’s event at a church we had
attended only once. I normally would have dismissed it right away, but the Holy
Spirit clearly prompted me to go. No excuse would stand up against His nudge.
So I registered and went. Not only did the Lord provide some desperately needed
confirmation for a portion of my book with which I was struggling, but through
the speaker, He solved my conundrum. I am so thankful for this simple gem
shared that day:
We never have the right to judge another
person’s character, only God can do that; and the only time we have the right
to judge another person’s behavior is if we are in a position of authority over
that person.
What does this have to do with curing Loose
Tongue Syndrome (LTS)?!?! It has everything to do with the tongue, which has to
do with the heart, for “out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks”
(Matt. 12:34). As such, my words do a pretty good job of revealing when I’ve
crossed the line from behavioral correction to character judgment. Words that
follow openers like, “You are so…” or “You are always…” or “You should…” or “Will
you ever…” or “Your heart is so full of…” All a loose tongue.
So I’ve pondered. How do we know the
difference? For me, it boils down to this: behavior has to do with specific
actions; character has to do with the heart. Above all, we have to genuinely
agree with God’s word that only the Lord judges righteously, testing the mind
and heart (Jer. 11:20). As much as we want to think we can, we cannot know
what’s in a person’s heart, even if we gave birth to them. Only God searches
and knows the heart, theirs and ours. If I have authority over the person, and
an action needs correction, then I can judge and correct the action. If not,
not only can I do nothing, but really, I need to say nothing.
Blurring the lines are the motives of my
heart. Proverbs 21:2 says, “Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but
the Lord weighs the heart.” If my every way is right in my own eyes, how can I
know when I’ve crossed the line from correction to condemnation, or when I’ve
crossed the line and am judging someone over whom I have no authority?
FILTER ONE: If I have determined, in my opinion, that you are
guilty or right or wrong, I am judging.
Luke 6:37, clearly instructs: “Judge
not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned.
Forgive, and you will be forgiven.” Judge
in the Greek means “to pronounce an opinion concerning right or wrong” (www.blueletterbible.com,
Strong’s G2919, krinō). Condemn in the Greek means to “pronounce
guilty” (www.blueletterbible.com,
Strong’s G2613, katadikazō) by means
of passing judgment on that person. Therefore, filter one.
FILTER TWO: If the guilt I’ve assigned
addresses a person’s integrity, virtue, purity of life, rightness, correctness
of thinking, feeling, and acting, I am judging character.
Philippians 1:11 (NLT) exhorts, “May
you always be filled with the fruit of your salvation – the righteous character
produced in your life by Jesus Christ – for this will bring much glory and
praise to God.” In the King James Version, character
translates righteousness, which
in the Greek means “integrity, virtue, purity of life, rightness, correctness
of thinking, feeling, and acting” (www.blueletterbible.com,
Strong’s G1343, dikaiosynē).
Therefore, filter two.
FILTER THREE: If I have the authority
to correct, is there a scriptural basis for my correction?
Am I holding my crooked stick up to
another’s crooked stick, as my pastor would say, or am I letting the straight
stick of the word of God reveal crookedness? “All Scripture is given by
inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for
correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be
complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2 Tim. 3:16-17). This filter can be challenging, because it
requires knowing what God’s word says and where to find it. However, it is
worth every bit of effort.
I have found that sharing what GOD says makes it about His expectations
and not mine, and through His word, He corrects character issues that are at
the root of the behavior problems.
If I can hold scripture up to the
behavior, and scripture condemns it as right or wrong, then it is God who has
judged. When it comes to integrity, virtue, purity of heart, rightness and
correctness of thinking, feeling, and acting, only the Holy Spirit can convict
and change the heart. Proverbs is a great place to start! There are also
scripture books you can buy at any Christian bookstore that catalog scriptures
by topic. Coming soon, my book, Holy His: Hope for a Life and a Nation
Wholly His, offers this type of catalog, as well.
So we correct with grace and let God
do the rest. We put on “tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness,
longsuffering” (Col. 3:12). And we check our motives. Jesus said in John 5:30,
“I can of Myself do nothing. As I hear, I judge; and My judgment is righteous,
because I do not seek My own will but the will of the Father who sent Me.” When
we have the authority to judge another person, are we seeking our own will or
the will of the Father? In John 12:47, Jesus said, “And if anyone hears My
words and does not believe, I do not judge him; for I did not come to judge the
world, but to save the world.” Is our goal salvation? Is our goal to lead
others – those under our authority and those not – to the cross with every
interaction we have with them? If Jesus didn’t come to judge, then what makes
us think we can? He came to save. Through grace. Unmerited favor. Am I
extending that same grace to my children, others under my authority, and even
those who are not?
Today’s LTS symptom: condemnation.
Today’s antidote: correction with a humble
heart and an enormous measure of the grace that’s been given to us.
Thank You, Jesus, that you came not to
judge but to save. As we seek to be more wholly Yours today, Lord, please transform
us by Your Holy Spirit, searching our hearts and correcting our errant ways.
Shauna Wallace
Holy His
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